How can that happen? This is Mexico.
Well, we kind of confused our latitudes with our longitudes,
and our stalagmites with our stalactites.
-It's a long story. -Well, I don't care.
You saved our village from those animals.
Yeah, who were those guys?
They are vicious bandidos.
Their leader is a cruel man, nothing more than a common criminal.
He's preyed upon our village for years,
stealing our crops and what little else we have.
You think they might be back?
No. They are cowards.
And now we have a brave general here to protect us.
Well, about that, I'm...
I'm not actually a general.
I am a squad leader though, and that's pretty high up there.
One day, I hope to travel across those mountains to the ocean.
And I will open a cantina on a beautiful beach far away from here.
Well, if you need an assistant manager, I got some experience.
Maria!
That's my father. I must go.
But perhaps you will allow me the honor to cook dinner for you some night?
The honor would be all mine.
-Good night. -Good night.
Oh...
What was the name of that bandit leader?
His name is one that strikes fear
into the hearts of decent people everywhere.
The bastard's name is Carlos Santana.
Let's get this party started!
Okay, so where's the entertainment?
Bring out the gringo!
El Jefe, I think you're really going to like this act, Jefe.
We kidnapped him from a hotel in Cancún.
So, without further ado, por favor, please welcome
the Amazing Ken and Rufus!
Thank you. Quite a crowd. What do you think, Rufus?
Lots of Mexicans tonight.
Feels like I'm standing in front of the Home Depot.
Be nice, Rufus. How about a joke?
Okay.
Do you know why there were only 3,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?
-No. Why? -They only had four trucks.
Boo! Boo!
That's not funny!
Relax, sweetheart. I did not know this was a gay bar.
He's just kidding.
What is your name, sir?
I am Carlos Santana.
Holy shit! The singer?
No, not the singer! I'm the real Carlos Santana!
Man of courage, honor. The leader of men!
That other guy, he is just a guitar player.
Yeah, well, I think you both suck.
You shot Rufus!
I was aiming for the Amazing Ken.
Luis, you are back. How did the pillaging go?
Not so good, Jefe.
What do you mean, not so good?
There was a problem.
And we could not get your tribute.
What?
Jefe, you don't understand! There's nothing we could do.
The American Army show up.
There were hundreds of them.
They captured Ricardo. Jefe, we barely escaped with our lives.
Gringo soldiers in La Miranda.
It was good you brought me this news.
Since they shut off the cable, I can't get CNN.
Hard to stay current.
I thought you were going to kill me.
Kill you?
We have shared many a great adventure together.
I would never kill you.
Paco and Hector are going to kill you.
Jefe, please don't kill me! Jefe! Jefe, no!
Jefe! Are we going to destroy La Miranda?
No, I don't like to work on the weekends.
Tonight, it's karaoke!
What did you guys do last night?
You missed a hell of a party.
You were partying?
It's part of the hero business, man.
For us not to partake in the celebration would have just been rude.
Relax.
We're goodwill ambassadors winning over hearts and minds.
Everett, that's exactly why you shouldn't drink tequila.
Damn.
This always happens when I eat the worm.
Where were you?
You went and saw that little girl, didn't you?
Did y'all do the chimichanga?
Oh, come on, Bill. Don't be crude, man.
Larry's a gentleman, and Maria's a lady.
Did you bang her?
All right, listen, I was up all night thinking about our situation.
We just can't be running around a country we're not supposed to be in.
So, I think we ought to just stay right here and wait for the Army to pick us up.
-So, we're staying? -Relax.
This ain't the infield at Talladega.
Since we're stuck here,
I figure we ought to do what we're supposed to do.
And these folks have been pretty hospitable.
I think it's time we return the favor. So, come on, let's get to it.
-You want to change there, señorita? -Oh, I forgot I had this on.
It really breathes.
Iraq? You guys may want to buy a map, eh?
But what my father means to say
is that we are really appreciative
for what you have done for our poor village.
We know we messed up,
and kind of hoping we can keep this our little secret.
We'd like to stick around and provide perimeter security
and help restore your infrastructure.
Infrastructure? Okay!
First place you can start is this well.
It's been dry for years.
We're forced to carry water from the river.
Yeah. No problem.
Thank you for your generosity.
My pleasure, ma'am.
Here's the problem with the well.
It's dry.
That's right, boys! Can't hate number 8!
They love it!
Hey, where'd you get all those extra nails?
I just pulled them out of that old shed.
Everett!
You know, we're doing a lot of good.
They could really use these medical supplies.
Copy that.
Oh, man. Guys, you gotta see this.
What do you think happened?
I don't know.
Maybe some wild critters dug him up.
I think it's a more logical explanation.
The Chupacabra.
-What? -The Chupacabra.
It's a mythical hairless dog-like creature
that sucks the blood out of both man and beast.
It's been terrorizing these parts for years.
Either that, or it's grave robbers.
I mean, you can get top dollar for a testicle on eBay these days.
Poor bastard. Couldn't even rest in peace.
I am gonna kill you deviant bastards!
What are you doing, Señor Bill?
Trying to get this dang radio working. I need to talk to my superior.
Well, why don't you just use a telephone?
You got a phone?
Well, not here in town, but I can show you where.
Now, we need to keep this between you and l.
See, it's a covert op, and we don't want General Larry interfering.
Why wouldn't you want him to know? I thought you had to call your superior.
I do. My wife.
Oh, si, Señor Bill.
It will be our secret.
Good. Now, where the hell is this phone?
Shut up in there! Hello?
Hey, sweetie! It's me!
Why haven't you called? Are you in Iraq?
No. No, we had a little change of plans.
This better be good.
Yeah, it's actually a pretty funny story.
Quiet in there! I'm talking to your dad!
We're in Mexico.
Mexico? You better get your ass right back here...
-Señor Bill? -Hang on a second.
A two-way whore in a rowdy...
No, no, no, no. Now, you hold on a second, honey.
It's not like that at all. I'm not on vacation down here.
Damn right you're not on vacation. What are you doing down there?
I'm working!
Hey, this is part of a government sanctioned incursion
into a sovereign nation as part of Operation Sombrero.
You're a part of a government operation?
Yeah. Yeah, so, tell the boys, their daddy is a hero.
Señor Bill?
Hang on a second!
Are you coming home or not?
No. I don't know when I'm gonna be home.
Well, I don't know. Hell.
-Wrong! -Hello?
Connie?
Hello.
-Hey, what is... -Oh, I'm sorry, señor.
Did I cut you off?
Shit.
Okay, gringo,
how many more men you got back in La Miranda?
All I gotta tell you is my name, rank, and favorite cereal.
And that's all you're getting.
I think Ruben likes you.
It just seems odd that a man of your stature
would embrace alternative lifestyles amongst his men.
You can't fire someone because they're gay!
That's discrimination!
You can get sued for that, eh?
Besides, he's my nephew.
You can't choose your familia.
So, he's here, he's queer. Get used to it.
I'm still not telling you anything.
Start talking or I'll tell Ruben he can marry you.
He wants a wife.
Well, there's just three of us.
We don't have an idea what we're doing. We thought this was lraq.
Can you believe that? Iraq.
Who would make that stupid mistake?
You and you men have really done some good here.
Oh, well, just goes to show you what a little hard work
and ingenuity can do.
You must have learned so much in the Army.
Oh, shoot, yeah. We're all highly-trained individuals.
Hey, Larry! Help me out with this thing!
Well, most of us, anyway.
-I better handle this. I'll see you later. -Okay.
I think I got it now.
Look out, you idiot! Not at the village!
-Oh, yeah. -Turn it!
Stand back!
Damn it! That's been happening all day!
I don't get it.
I'm gonna get this thing working if it kills me.
-Damn it. Come on, Everett! -I'm right behind you, buddy!
Damn!
People of La Miranda,
you have disobeyed your Jefe by not paying my tribute.
Now, come out and take your punishment!
Hold it right there!
You're in a lot of trouble, gringo! This is not lraq!
I am the law here!
I am Carlos Santana!
The singer?
Definitely not the singer.
We caught your friend here trying to call his wife.
What?
You found a phone, and the one person you call is your wife?
She gets moody if I don't check in.
She sounds like a real bitch, señor.
You have to set some boundaries.
All right, turn him loose!
Turn him loose? We have you outnumbered.
What are you gonna do, kill us all by yourself?
Nope.
I'm just gonna kill you.
Oh.
I hadn't thought of that.
Well, looks like we got ourselves a Mexican standoff.
Actually, señor, down here, we just call it a standoff.
Yeah, okay.
Tell your people to stand back.
This is my town!
You don't give the orders here, I do!
In just a few minutes, the entire 101st Airborne
is gonna come down that road.
They are?
Just go with me on this.
Señor, I think you're bluffing!
Iraq, it's a land of miracles.
Sarge? You're alive?
Shut up, numb nuts.
Surprised to see me, maggots?
Can we sort this out later, Sarge?
-Little bit of a situation on our hands. -You bet your ass we got a situation.
You assholes are A-W-O-L!
What?
I was just telling these armed men, the rest of our highly-trained
firepower-out-the-ass 101st Airborne was coming up right behind you.
Are you nuts?
We're not even in lraq.
There's no one here! We're alone.
Now give me that weapon.
This shit-hole of a country is Mexico.
Hey!
You're not exactly a box of chocolates, eh, sweetheart?
Mind your own business, Pedro.
Actually, señor, this is my business.
Oh, shit.
Put your hands in the air now!
You have the right to remain silent!
You have the right to an attorney!
What the hell is that?
This is a Mark 153 shoulder-launch multipurpose assault weapon.
Who wants to ride the pain train?
Well, boys, looks like we got ourselves a Mexican standoff.
Hey, Sarge. You still got your testicles?
Everett? Everett, hand that thing over.
-No, I can do it. -Hand it over.
I'm a trained law enforcement officer.
You're gonna hurt somebody.
Watch and learn!
Everett, no!
Incoming!
Hell, yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
Not only have you saved us again, but you've given us the miracle of water.
-Nice shooting, Everett. -I know.
You know what they say? The Army, toughest job you'll ever love.
No, that's the Peace Corps.
Hey!
Where's Sarge?
God damn it, Everett!
I'm gonna tear off your head and shit down your...
Say hello to my nephew Ruben.
Shit.
Do you really think this is a good idea?
I mean, we've already buried Sarge once,
and I don't know if I can go through this again,
emotionally speaking.
Look, he may be an asshole, but he's our asshole.
Everett, what are you doing?
I'm changing the terror level from orange to red piñata.
Everett, get down!
Are you sure you must do this? This is not your fight.
Look, once they messed with Sarge, it became our fight.
Bin Laden, here we come!
Shut up, Everett.
Lock up the prisoner!
Jefe, are we going to burn down La Miranda?
Tonight it's wrestling!
Yeah!
El Javalina!
Who's he fighting, Jefe?
You and Hector.
But, Jefe...
I would love to.
All right. Does everybody know the plan?
Yeah.
Affirmative.
Crack skulls and kick ass!
Well, we may never see him again.
I'm gonna miss that little mongoloid.
You disable the vehicles. I'm gonna get Sarge.
Boy, am I glad to see a friendly face.
I have had the darnedest time ever since I left the interstate.
I think we took a wrong turn at buenas noches.
What you have to do is...
That's what I need to do right there.
I'm getting too fat for this shit.
Electric shock, huh?
Well, in the Mekong Delta,
the Vietcong stuck bamboo shoots under my fingernails.
It'll take a lot more than that to break me.
What the hell is this?
It's a duet!
Hey, hey, hey!
Who else is man enough to step into the ring?
Right here, amigo!
Who is this maricón?
I don't know,
but I like him.
He's got style!
Muchachos, a masked challenger is gonna take on El Javalina.
Hold on, Sarge. I'm coming.
Come on, Tijuana! You want some?
You gonna get some!
Hey, don't you worry about anything, man. I'm a pro.
I'm a card-carrying member
of the Georgia lndependent Wrestling Alliance.
Just take a lookout for my trick knee.
Man, look at the size of that son of a bitch.
-He'd have ripped you a... -Get me loose!
I hate Sonny and Cher.
Hey, Bill's down by the gate. I'm gonna go get Everett.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Hey, Sarge.
You're wearing the enemy's uniform. I should have known you'd be a traitor.
No, I'm undercover.
I'm wrecking the vehicles. Here's the plan.
I'm putting sugar in their gas tanks.
I got a better idea.
Okay.
Oh!
I see we're playing by Panamanian prison rules.
Yeah, take some of this, amigo!
You just bought yourself a six pack of pain, buddy!
Come get some!
I'm the king! I'm the king!
Get set for the full force of the U.S. Military!
Get them, guys!
Guys?
I know you!
You're that retarded guy with the bazooka!
It was a rocket-launcher.
Kill this cabrón!
Hold it right there!
You gotta be kidding me!
You gringos are like a bad case of the crabs.
I can't get rid of you!
Everett, get over here.
You, señor, are either very brave or very stupid.
Either way, you can't kill all of us.
Probably not.
I'll just kill you.
Damn! I keep doing that.
Good job, Larry.
I'm out of here. You disarm them,
and I'll meet you back at Checkpoint Charlie.
All right, come on! Let's get out of here!
Let's go! Shotgun!
Damn you, Everett!
They're over there!
Look at our cars, Jefe.
Who would do such a thing?
That's vandalism!
Saddle up the horses and bring out Big Bertha!
Come on! Move, move, move!
Come on! Let's go!
Go! Go!
This is the end of La Miranda.
You made it back.
I'm so glad. I was very worried.
There's still a certain señorita I gotta take out on the town.
Or make sweet, sweet love to her under the stars
as a mariachi bands serenades you with a song of romance and desire.
You saved our village by killing Carlos Santana.
Well, not quite.
Son, make it quick. We gotta get going.
What? We can't leave.
Santana might be on his way down here right now,
and this village is defenseless.
Son, you showed me something by coming to save me, you really did.
But this is out of my hands. We have to leave.
-Bill? -This isn't lraq.
It's Mexico.
We did what we could do, but this isn't our fight.
Sorry, son.
I'm not leaving.
Oh, Larry, come on!
Private, I'm giving you an order.
I think you guys forgot what our orders are.
We're supposed to bring freedom and democracy
to people that need it.
I think these people need it.
I'm staying.
I'm staying to finish the job. I'm staying to do what's right.
Anybody that's with me can cross this line.
Oh, come on, guys!
Sarge, look at these people. They're honest, hardworking.
They got hopes, dreams.
Ain't you ever had a dream?
Shit.
Hell, you got me.
I always wanted to be an aerobics instructor.
Okay.
Don't look at me, man. I got a wife and kids to think about.
And what would you do if Connie and the boys lived in a town like this?
Would you leave them then?
No.
Damn it.
All right.
Like they say in the Army, be all you can be.
You got it right!
Who am I kidding? I live in a storage locker.
I'm not going anywhere.
All right, then. We got all day to figure out a plan.
Come on, we're the Sleeping Marmots!
What else can Santana do to us?
Señor! Señor! I think you better take a look at this.
A tank?
Where'd they get that?
That's a Sherman tank, U.S. Army surplus!
Back in the '80s, the Mexicans traded 15,000 cases of Chiclets for them.
You're kidding!
Incoming!
Down!
Get everybody in the church!
-But what about... -Now!
We gotta take that tank out.
Get the rocket-launcher!
I got it, Sarge! It's in the bunkhouse!
Cover him.
If I die, Connie's gonna kill me!
We gotta take that tank out!
Don't we have anything in this town we can use?
Cover me!
You heard the man! Cover him!
I said cover me!
Bitch!
Come on!
Damn it! Come on!
Shit. That'll work.
It is time for us to stand up to Santana once and for all!
Come on! Let's get them!
Remember the Alamo!
That is a sore subject around here, señor.
We did it. We ran them off!
-Where's Maria? -Oh, General, Santana has taken her.
You have any more daughters?
Lupita.
I'll go find Maria.
Stupid gringos.
They may have won this battle,
but as usual, Carlos Santana will win the war.
Far enough!
Now let her go!
What do you see in this fat redneck?
Fat redneck?
I swear, on Monday, I'm starting a low-carb diet.
Now I'll have to kill both of you.
It will take more than one helicopter to defeat Carlos Santana!
This is not good.
Thank you.
Papa! Oh, thank God!
Look forward and come this way, please!
Hey, everybody okay?
Oh, sure. Everybody's fine.
Couldn't be better.
Bill got shot.
Bill got... What?
Bill! You all right?
They got me! I don't think I'm gonna make it.
Larry...
You tell them my story.
He was shot in the ass. He'll be fine.
-Sir. -Colonel Dalton, Delta Force.
Is there a Bill Little here?
Yeah. That's me.
Your wife's a real pain in the ass.
When she found out you were in Mexico, she started calling the Pentagon.
Wouldn't stop till the Joint Chiefs sent us down here to get you.
God, I love that woman.
Yeah. You better mow the lawn when you get home.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Larry, this guy wants to talk to you. Says he's from the State Department.
Roger Grabowski,undersecretary, Central American affairs.
You hear that? Poor bastard's a secretary.
Bit of a sticky situation we've got here.
We're in a lot of trouble, ain't we?
Maybe not. That is,
if you guys will cooperate.
We're all about cooperation.
Another victory in the war on terror
as the White House today announced the success
of Operation Sombrero
with strikes against terror camps located in northern Mexico
by U.S. personnel operating with permission from the Mexican government.
In a shocking development, among those captured in the attack
was Grammy-winning musician, Carlos Santana,
known for such hits as Black Magic Woman,
Evil Ways, and Oye Como Va.
Once more, America is in need of its best and brightest.
One wonders if there are still heroes willing to lead us
through the challenges we face as a nation.
I say the answer is yes.
And I am proud to be standing here with them today
as we honor their sacrifice.
Ten hut!
What's my name?
Sergeant Kilgore, sir!
You will be a mean, lean fighting machine.
One, two, three!
Move it, fat buddy!
Oh, yeah! That's the way I like it!
Get some!
Hey!
Stop it! Stop it!
I'm a government employee! You can't do this!
Here you go, honey.
Oh, I wish I had a thousand of them just like you, son.
Any chance I can convince you to come back to Washington?
Actually, General, I got other plans.
Mr. Chile, would you like to sing a song?
Yes!
Why don't you sing something by Carlos Santana?
Okay.
-You sing very good. -Thank you.
-What did you think of the last guy? -I did not like the last guy.
-No? -No.
He was squeezing my stick.
All right, you're gonna love this. Pull!
Lace thong.
Wait a second. Those are mine!
When you address me, you will address me
as Sergeant... What is my name? Kilgore!
How you doing, Gl Joe. Can I help you?
What is my name?
My last movie was nominated for two Academy Awards.
I would like to say that.
Man, who'd have thought a woman that fat could move so quick?
Oh, my God, y'all!
Sergeant!
People of La Mirada...
People of La Miranda!
Tonight.
The end of La Mirada!
Shit!
Git-r-done!
Oye como va, bitches. I'm out.
Resynck: Xenzai[NEF]